Where you've been?
Who've you seen?
You didn't phone when you said you would.
Do you lie, do you try, to keep in touch
You could not try to see from my point of view
You could not hear or see for jealousy...

- The Pet Shop Boys

I'm watching The CBS Early Show wherein a purported expert on families and happiness is plugging his book "100 Simple Secrets of a Happy Family" in a product placement ad disguised as an interview. I have no idea what's in his book, but if it's as good as the bits of his interview I caught, I fear for it's buyers.

Jealousy

For one, he offers us his advice on jealousy. He says that since they've detected it in children younger than six months old, we should realize that it's normal and we shouldn't get worked up about it.

Well, yes, it's quite normal to feel jealousy. But many secular-minded people are confused into this line of thinking: Animals or children do this. Therefore it's normal. Therefore I shouldn't feel guilty about feeling or doing X. Therefore I must view feeling or doing X as okay.

Yet the theistic tradition provides a different way of thinking about this situation: God has made us to be more than mere animals. Yes, it is our nature to do X and Y and Z, but because it is "natural" doesn't mean that such behavior is good or that we should endorse it.

Consider marital fidelity: Lots of research shows that men and women "naturally" want to take on a new partner after several years of fidelity; men "naturally" want to have lots of mating partners.

But in a theistic context we are not confined nor defined by our nature: We have all sorts of impulses and desires, and the goal is to control them, not to be controlled by them. There is a conflict between our natural inclinations and what is best for us, or expected of us.

All sorts of bad or unhelpful thoughts and inclinations occur. That's quite normal, you're not any worse than the rest of humanity for having those thoughts. Don't feel guilty because you experienced an emotion or temptation.

But on the other hand, that doesn't mean to you should agree with or accept that feeling or impulse. On this topic, C. S. Lewis said, helpfully: You cannot stop the birds from flying over your head, but that doesn't mean you have to let them make a nest in your hair. In other words, you cannot stop negative feelings and temptations from occuring, and you don't need to feel bad because of that, but it doesn't mean you should give in to such a tempation, or nurse such a feeling in your heart.

That's a fine line most people are clueless about.

Yes, I feel jealousy, or rage, or hatred, or resentment. There is nothing abnormal about experiencing that emotion. But it's also not a positive emotion and I'm more than an animal: I can reject that emotion or temptation and choose a different course of thought and action.

As Christians are told, "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ". (2 Cor 10:5)

Most of today's "experts" are unhelpful regarding the distinction, being so impressed by research which shows the obvious (negative emotions are normal) while failing to have any higher context in which to evaluate those findings. They see that man is an animal, and has a nature shared with animals, but make the mistake of assuming: Therefore, that is is all good.

No, it is not all good. You must rise above it.

Divorce

This "expert" was similarly unhelpful concerning divorce. In his worldview, there seems to be no problem at all with divorce -- he clearly indicates it is better to divorce than to experience continued unhappiness in marriage:

"The worst thing is not an unhappy marriage leading to divorce. The worst thing is an unhappy marriage leading to more unhappy marriage... Blended families are just as happy as regular families."

So that's a "secret" for a happy family? To leave when the going gets tough? To leave when you fail to feel fulfilled or happy?

The truth is that you don't know whether the future holds more unhappiness or not. When unhappy couples, on the verge of divorce, chose to stick together about 80% of them were found to be happy five years later:

Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier. But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

Also contrary to his advice, after destroying your family, you will most likely not be happier later:

The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) took place to adults who had been happily married when first studied five years earlier. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married. [emphasis added]

And, sadly, the divorce rate goes up for each successive remarriage, with divorce rates of 40%, 60%, and 75% for each successive remarriage.

Study after study has also shown divorce is horrible to children:

Parental divorce is associated with a variety of maladaptive outcomes for children, including increased levels of aggression, depression, anxiety, poor academic performance, school dropout, peer relationship problems, drug and alcohol use, early sexual behavior, and adolescent pregnancy (e.g., Amato & Keith, 1991; Hetherington et al., 1992). The negative effects of divorce can be both significant and persistent. For example, Hetherington et al. (1992) found that rates of clinical levels of mother-reported mental health problems 6 years after the divorce were 35% for girls and 20% for boys, rates that were up to 7 times higher than those found in comparable nondivorced controls. Several other prospective longitudinal studies have shown elevated rates of mental health problems of adults who experienced parental divorce as children. In a prospective longitudinal study of a birth cohort in Great Britain, Rodgers, Power, and Hope (1997) found the odds ratio for being above the clinical level on mental health problems was 1.70 at age 23 and 1.85 at age 33 [i.e. a 70% and 85% increase]... The attributable risk of divorce for the following problems occurring by the ages of 18 to 22 was 23% for teenage pregnancy (Furstenberg & Teitler, 1994), 30% for school dropout, and 36% for clinical levels of behavior problems (Zill, Morrison, & Coiro, 1993). [added emphases]

Thank you, CBS, for this excellent advice for making my family happy.