Douglas Adams wrote that Vogon poetry was the second-worst in the universe -- the worst, he said, was some obscure British woman who perished when Earth was destroyed to make a hyperspace bypass. (So how we learned of her, I was never quite sure.)

I've recently learned that William McGonagall is considered the worst poet in the English language. On one hand, I can see that his verse does have a certain, um, unintentionally humorous turn to it. On the other, while it's certainly not impressive, it doesn't strike me as especially awful either -- sort of what you'd expect from a middle-school kid.

Instead, I'd nominate Madonna -- and in particular, I'd submit this absolutely horrifying couplet from her mega-hit "Vogue", which manages to be awful on several levels at once:

Beauty's where you find it
Not just where you bump and grind it

Followed by this runner-up:

Soul is in the musical
That's where I feel so beautiful

Even worse, she again instructs her listeners that "beauty's where you find it" multiple times during the course of the song. And she implores them, repeatedly, to "C'mon and vogue" -- a verb coined, apparently, from the name of a women's magazine. (Eeew. I'm hoping we don't have to "C'mon and Cosmo" next. Or "Redbook.")

I suspect it's only the presence of rather catchy music (like a dollop of ketchup on a bad cut of meat) that stops most listeners from noticing the true lyrical horrors of this song.

Ladies with an attitude
Fellows that were in the mood

But hey, I could be wrong.

(Realize that the above verse refers to Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire as, uh, shall we say, aroused. I'll say it again: Eeew! It's just bad on so many levels at once.)

If you have another nomination for bad poetry, feel free to submit here.

Oh, and for worst prose, I think I'll submit "I wanna sex you up", something toxic I was subjected to in the late eighties and early nineties.